Dear students of the prestigious University of Notre Dame,
As
autumn begins to creep in from the North and leaves spiral down from the
branches of innumerable trees, pudgy and brash squirrels bury their sacred nuts
within the chilled ground. These tiny
critters eye passing students expectantly, pleading for some more nuts or a
spare chocolate bar to tubby up their body for the oncoming winter. Despite
their desperate, silent plea, you must avoid feeding the local wildlife in
order to perverse the environment that Notre Dame has incorporated into its
campus.
With
their adorable black eyes and orange-tinged tails, the creatures that invade
the entire campus are hard to resist as they brazenly approach shocked students
for a tiny bite of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
Their limited intelligence, however, does not instruct their squirrely
little minds that not all food is appropriate for their digestive system. Squirrel stomachs are unequipped to handle excessive
amounts of pizza, grilled cheese sandwiches, and other human foods that end up
between their tiny paws. Partaking in
the indulgences of unhealthy food will result in obesity amongst the squirrel
population, and the spread of this horrendous disease could potentially lead to
the extinction of the Notre Dame sub-species of squirrel. The duty of protecting these rodents from the
dangers of an incorrect diet rest on your shoulders, and through the entire
community’s assistance, the mental health of these creatures can also be enhanced.
When
a tiny squirrel begs patiently for the piece of French fry hanging out of a
student’s mouth, the minuscule rodent cannot calculate the harm that a greasy
piece of potato will cause to its natural mentality. As the squirrel receives food from caring
students rushing to their next class from South Dining Hall, the critter begins
to take the easy route in life, and it will constantly plead for food from passersby
and loose its natural instincts to hunt out the hidden nuts and berries that
lie within the confines of the campus.
The mentality needed to survive and thrive within an abundant squirrel
population deteriorates with each bite in a thrown-away sandwich; the squirrels
reliant on such food begin to die out and the ecosystem crumbles with the loss
of each precious life. By feeding the
essential wildlife, you are not giving a loving hand to those who are sharing
the same campus, but you are slowly destroying the ecosystem through their
shear ignorance to the squirrels’ lifestyles.
To
prevent utter catastrophe from reigning down upon the squirrel’s population, you
first must steel your will when crossing paths with your fellow quad mates. Even though a squirrel sitting with shining,
hopeful eyes trained on a bagel in your hands may seem completely helpless, you
must ignore this plea for the betterment of the ecosystem as whole. By resisting the tempting stares of the brown
and gray rodents, you would save an entire society of squirrels from becoming lost
to the harms of human food. Also, avoid
from throwing away food products in the trash cans that line the quads that
could poison these creatures that share our Alma Mater. Squirrels have been seen digging through the
trash for delicate morsels of wasted food in order to quench their cravings for
human food, and by disposing of your food waste through dumpsters or simply in trash
bins located inside, you can save the lives of countless squirrels who would be
tempted by your waste.
As
winter approaches and the chill air rushing through the branches heralds the
coming snow, the squirrels of Notre Dame scurry to dig up the nuts they had
buried during the fall months, for they have not succumbed to the dangers of a
human diet due to your inadvertent actions.
